Tuesday, November 25, 2014

L'amante Del Vampiro (1960)



To call this the "Vampire and the Ballerina" is tantamount to proclaiming that a porn star is a serious actress. While technically the truth it's a long stretch as far as minutaie goes. The so-called ballerina is more a jazz dancer if even that. As to which girl in the troupe is the ballerina is as much a guessing game as the translation itself. I mean, at times the goddamn subtitles simply say "?" for entire segments of dialogue so even the title might not be literally accurate. Hey, I never claimed that I was a film historian or a linguist!

This was probably a very sexy movie for 1960 and in my opinion still is. Sure, there's no nudity but the several segments showing exposed thigh or neck and dry humping of the sheets and writhing in bed are highly sensual though not overtly ribald. Yeah, you don't have to have a gaping crotch or exploding tits on the screen to showcase the erotic side of femininity. Though I will say that the gratuitous ass in panties/tights shots were rather forced and unnecessary for an intelligent audience. So sayeth the troglodyte.

The plot is fairly standard though this vampire isn't particularly fond of harnessing a harem of faithful bints or trying to secure true love for that matter. In fact, he's sort of a hit-and-run lover and sucker of thy blood that isn't afraid to brutalize his victims to ensure his own lasting survival.

Blood-fetching in this one is quite discreet and the actual appaearance of the crimson fluid is non-existent if I remember correctly.

All of the aforementioned flaws are fine by me and don't particularly spoil the enjoyability of the movie. Nor do its qualities push it into the upper strata for the genre. A solid, better-than-average flick from the Italianos.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Scars of Dracula (1970)



Any time that a bowl-haired, dopey-looking bloke beds multiple women in a matter of minutes (and the wife of his brother says that she is attracted to him but only cares about the guy for her beloved's sake) in a film and it's not pornography you know that it's going to be a far-fetched tale. But that's vampire lore in a nutshell. I mean, I have mind control powers over women and could inflict evil on them, too, if I so chose but lacking the fangs and immortality I'd probably just end up with Hepatitus C.

Anyway, Christopher Lee is not a kindly Dracula in any sense of the word and flogs his servant, murders his cheating mistress and sends his bats hither and yon to savage the souls of both the chaste and wontonly inclined. Having been ravaged by the villagers in the past, hence his scars, he gives no quarter and takes his pounds in flesh and blood. The rest of the movie is typical vampire hijinx with a slightly surprising end.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Lifeforce (1985)



I cannot begin to explain the many ways that I loathe this movie but starting with the asinine space alien vampire of doom plot will suffice. Two words best sums it up: fuck me. And by that I mean FUCK YOU!

The insufferably bad storyline is oddly salvaged by a cast of respectable actors (I think I even saw Patrick Stewart in a few spots) and a few decent concepts and scenes. It doesn't hurt either that there are several segments of female nudity featuring a statuesque woman who is nearly flawless. Of course, most internet droolers mistake nudity for a brief  segue into sexuality but a true aesthetic knows better. Beauty in the human body is no different than the splendor of nature but the brain tends to overstimulate with the familiar because of the over-riding biological imperative. If one is strong enough mentally he can see past sucking sounds, fleshly protruberances, holes and excretions of fluid to see that beauty is its own standard bearer and life force.

Another gripe of mine is the lack of blood-sucking. In fact, an hour into this movie I don't believe that I have seen a single instance of it. Mostly just some banal occasions for inferring mind control by the creatures and a few ungratifying sexual situations that are merely showcases for unnecessary nudity. I could have said the same of Female Vampire but having seen several versions of that flick and its outtakes, the blood was there depending on the director's belief in geographical proclivities. That is, some versions had it while others didn't. The ones with bloodletting were far more pleasing.

Anyway, this movie is devolving into typical sci-fi drudgery and save for the fact that I had a three hour nap earlier I would have fallen asleep several times at this point.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

I, Desire (1982)



Any movie that starts off with a montage of Klimt's painting should be backed by a script that follows in similar magnanimity but this motherfucker is the artistic equivalent of grade school pictoralism. The acting is likewise amateurish in a regional theater sort of way that makes you want to sneak into the local Cinemark with your pockets full of snacks to offset the box office ticket rape that's going to occur. You will not get your money out of this one even if you watch it for free on YouTube as I did.

The plot is submoronic, the big cat screeches whenever the vampire attacks are public access horror showesque and the relationship between the main character and his girlfriend is stomach-turningly precious. The brutha man detective's bruskness towards the neurotic Jew protagonist is the only redeeming quality in this movie save for its ready availability and freeness on the splinterweb.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Brotherhood of Blood (2007)


Most vampire movies with a dramatic plot are pure rubbish and this flick follows that unfortunate path. I could give two fucks less about some guy's hidden brother-vampire, the bloodsucking clans of Los Angeles seeking him out or the hunters of such fiends. I want the dream-like miasma of unmitigated instinct and pleasure drawn through the pulsing eye of the bloody fang. Throw in some picturesque landscape, remarkable architecture and a few young, naked and lusting faux lesbians and that dream cycle is complete.

The thing is is that a vampire is not supposed to be human and if he/she has such characteristics then let him/her mirror Barnabas Collins, roaring and inflamed with animal tendencies while being otherwise refined. The juxtaposition of both a good and evil nature clashing within one being are what gave Barnabas his intrigue. These gangster-thug types are bogus and have killed the genre. Plus, there is no beauty in it and minus that trait, good and evil are almost indistinguishable in human terms. We are irrevocably drawn to it without our consent just as the vampire is to its thirst. Believing otherwise leaves you susceptible to dreck such as Twilight and this waste of film.