Friday, September 27, 2013

The Blood Drinkers (1966)

When two young twin girls are given up for adoption and grow up worlds apart nobody could guess that one would become a vampire's mistress with a heart condition. As such, her vampire lover--and Telly Savalas's young doppleganger--must seek out the perfect transplant donor: her sister. Oh yeah, the Count's a doctor, too, and will be performing the said heart procedure.

The vampire Marco and his ghoulish gang consisting of a temptress, a hunchback and a dwarf set up in the normal sister Charlito's hometown and begin wreaking havoc. When Charlito's adopted parents are turned into vampires the biological mother hen returns to fill in the missing pieces of information. However, her acts aren't charitable as she is under Marco's spell as Charlito soon will be as well.

That is, until Jesus comes to the rescue! Through the help of a priest all are released from the vampiric spell, including Marco and his bride. The exaltation is temporal, of course, because the Devil always has his say as well. Thus, the transplant must go forward.

Will the encroaching throngs of clergy and citizenry thwart Marco's diabolical operation? Watch it and see, suckas!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Bloody Vampire (1962)

This is one of the most slowly churning horror-dramas that I've ever seen with far too many characters put into a mix mostly devoid of action. When the action does come it's rarely suspenseful and the suspense itself is drab and mundane. Which is too bad because it's a well-acted flick despite the dreadfully boring plot.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)

I had no fucking clue that a karate vampire movie even existed let alone that it could be found on YouTube. But this Hammer production has it all. Karate fight scenes (mind you, not between vampires though that would be even more brilliant), vampires, smug English accents clashing with broken English Chinese affects and of course, boobs. Always boobs when dealing with the fanged fiends.

While the vampire scenes are more or less bookends for a martial arts flick as the main corpus they are poignantly relevant to the mishmash of styles. As the story goes, Kah, a monk and high Priest of the 7 Golden Vampires, has lost his powers and seeks out Count Dracula to return his strength. Dracula, the ever-obstinate blood-tyrant rebukes Kah's overture but restores his power by claiming his body for his own.

Professor Van Helsing, teaching the legends of vampires in China to an unconvinced populace, along with his son, gathers a brood of fighters, a wealthy Swedish benefactress to bankroll the trip and ventures out in search of the Count. What ensues is both ridiculous and amusing but ultimately entertaining as hell. Peter Cushing is especially animated and brilliant as the professor.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

Everything that makes the Jess Franco movies from the 1970s, and their ilk, masterpieces--nudity galore, lesbianism, emo poetics--seems quite stale in the renderings of the 80s through present. What was artsy in the former turned into romance novels in the latter. Literally. Plus the story line of the innocent teenage girl going off to private school or college and turning into a whore is so hackneyed that it's neither plausible or pleasurable.

Now, if you simply want to see Alyssa Milano naked then you won't be disappointed. She's quite the handsome ingenue and perfect bait for an emo vampire. Plus there are the perfunctory nudie scenes that do not disappoint in the least if that's what you're into. And while the plot is hackneyed it's not abysmal, though it does lean in that direction.

2.5 fangs.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Vampire Hunter D (1985)

I hate anime. Not that the stories in most of the programs of that genre aren't relevant and generally life-affirming, I just hate cartoons. Not all cartoons but the newer breed that have become a staple among adults instead of children, where they belong.

That said, when a vampire hunter has a talking hand and is half-vampire himself you tend to like the guy even if he comes across as one part Charles Bronson and another part Andrew Eldritch. The fact that he is pursuing a vampire that has fallen in love with a mortal lets you know early that irony is the greater part of the plot.

As a general vampire movie I give it 2 fangs out of 4 but taking it for what it is it's generally on the up swing of 3 fangs.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Twins of Evil (1971)

It's Hammer time! After watching several schlock and fock films in the genre it's nice to return to the well-crafted and acted section. Despite the movie centering on two buxom twins it sticks to a strong central plot line and doesn't middle.

As for the twins, they are not of the Doublemint variety. Well, one of them is but she's been run roughshod over by the evil half of the pair and finds mischief cavorting with Count Karnstein, the resident Satanist-vampire. Debauchery and destruction follow the Count and soon the twins are enmeshed in the world of the undead.

Can Uncle Gustav, the Puritanical right hand of God that burns suspected witches at the stake, save the darling girls when his path crosses Karnstein's in one final battle of wills? I think the better question to ask is: "when do the boobs make their full fledged appearance, sir?" Very late, my minions but it's worth the wait.